Face this
by Ariette5
Summary: Sometimes we have to face situations we don't really want to face. Our mind may scream to run away, but our heart knows better. "We have to face this." AU. Beware the tears.
**Ariette: The bad thing of being a writer is that, well, you write about anything really. For me, writing is a way of escape, so it's only natural that you see me writing this. I have written this One-shot as a form of escape. With this one I'm no searching to be praised or that you feel sorry for me. I wrote this because I wanted to, because I wanted to escape my reality and show how big is the struggle of this situation. When a loved one leaves, the feelings that are left are contradictory, and this story shows that. That is why I don't recommend young children to read this. This time, I can't say 'enjoy', but rather 'I understand you now. Let's face this together'.**

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 **- Face** **this** **-**

This feels so wrong.

Sitting here, waiting, it feels so wrong.

I shouldn't be here. _We_ shouldn't be here.

We shouldn't receive the awful news.

But we did receive them.

Of course, I fought back the tears. I maintained my strong composure. But Astral couldn't. He couldn't hide it.

It almost made me cry too. Seeing him cry made me want to cry with him, but I couldn't cry. I had to be strong, for both of us.

But when the funeral came, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold for much longer.

We entered the place, with slow steps. Astral was already fighting the tears. I had to admit I also was fighting hard to not let the tears show. With each step, my heart tightened and Astral's hold on my hand strengthened.

Suddenly, I felt like running away. I tried to get Astral to let go of my hand, slowly, carefully, so it won't seem rude, but Astral didn't give in. He looked straight at my eyes and I knew what he wanted to say. _You cannot escape this. You cannot hide. Not this time. We have to face this._

Though I saw doubt. I knew he wanted to run, just like I wanted to run. I tried to say it to him. _Let's run together._ But he shook his head. His eyes were firm. _We have to face this._

And I shuddered. I shuddered at Astral's firm eyes, even though all he wanted was to run away like me. I shuddered at the fact that he was right. I couldn't escape this. I couldn't hide. I couldn't act like nothing was happening anymore.

We walked closer, and closer. With each step I knew I was closer to breaking down. I looked up, and saw many faces. Some of our friends, people we met a school, people we met at our part-time job. All of them were there to give us strength. And we needed that strength.

I looked and I saw the coffin, and the need to run came back to me again. Astral's hold made me stay put, though. We were just steps away, and a single step suddenly became a great effort.

My mind screamed me to run. It screamed that I had to get out of there, as soon as I could. But Astral's grip was strong. It wouldn't let me go, it wouldn't let me escape. _We have to face this._ That was the message he wanted to give me.

I took another step, and breathing became harder. I could see half his face in the distance, and that was all I needed to feel tears coming to my eyes. I didn't let them spill though. Not yet.

Again, I tried to run away. Astral's grip didn't leave though. _We have to face this._ I could almost hear his voice by now.

Another step, and my whole body trembled. It shook violently, with the need to cry. But I wouldn't let it. I had to be strong, for Astral. For myself.

I held Astral's hand strongly, this time asking him to let me go. Of course, no words left my mouth. I couldn't talk. But Astral shook his head again. _We have to face this._ His voice sounded in my head.

We took another step. My chest tightened even more. My heart felt like stopping, and it hurt in my chest. I held Astral's hand even more strongly than before. _Please._ I begged. _Please, let me go._

But he only stared at me. His face was sad, but firm. _We have to face this_. It was all his eyes told me. I knew he wouldn't change his mind. I knew he wouldn't let go of my hand.

And we took another step. This time, my head began to hurt. Breathing was hard, and even more now with my tightened chest. My body still trembled. Astral's grip on my hand was strong. I felt like crying right there, but I didn't allow myself. I had to hold back the tears.

And once more, I tried to run away. Astral only shook my hand lightly. I knew what he was saying. _We have to face this._

Another step. I felt my vision get blurry. Maybe I was going to faint. Maybe the lack of proper oxygen was beginning to affect me. Maybe it was fear. Or maybe… Maybe it was the tears that somehow managed to escape my eyes.

I tried one last time. I looked at Astral's mismatched eyes and begged. But his answer didn't change. It remained the same. _We have to face this._

The final step. I was already in front of the coffin. I could see him clearly now- well, as clearly as my tears allowed me to. I couldn't stop the sob that escaped my throat.

This is so _awful!_ How could life be so cruel? Making him look like he was just asleep, like he would wake up any moment! Why did he have to look so peaceful and calm? Why did he have to look so _happy_?

I slowly felt how Astral let go of my hand, and sudden horror crept into my very soul. I stared at Astral, wide-eyed, tears falling down my eyes. _Why?_

Astral looked at me. Then, the answer was pretty obvious to me.

 _ **You**_ _have to face this._

I saw as he slowly left me alone, in front of the coffin, disappearing among the crowd of mourning people. I looked back at the coffin, very slowly, timidly, afraid. I couldn't hold it then. I just broke.

I cried, many many sobs escaping me involuntarily. I almost fell to my knees, but somehow managed to hold on onto the coffin. No one tried to help me, no one got near me. They all knew I needed to go through this. Alone. Astral knew it. Our friends knew it. _**I**_ knew it.

I suddenly felt self-conscious. It was a moment of sanity, or maybe just a moment of utter insanity. I knew the reason to why I was crying. I wasn't sad. Not in the least. I wasn't mourning his death either. In fact, deep inside me I was glad. I was glad he moved on to better life.

However, I felt _guilty_. It was guilt what made me break. I felt guilty because I was a coward. I felt guilty because I never got to say the words I wanted to tell him.

 _I'm sorry_.

I was sorry. Sorry for getting mad at him, for yelling at him, for hating him. I was sorry because I always thought he deserved punishment for what he did to us. For abandoning us without a reason. I didn't know then. I wish I did, but I didn't.

 _He was ill. So ill, he could die any moment._

And because I didn't know it, I got angry at him for leaving us that night. I blamed him for everything. I blamed him for Astral's and my own suffering. I blamed him and I wanted him to suffer like we were suffering.

But he was already suffering. He suffered for leaving us. He suffered for having to hide his illness from us. He suffered from his own illness, that was slowly taking his life.

Everything he did was to protect us, because he loved us, and I only hated him because of it. I didn't know it then, but I wish I did. Maybe that way I wouldn't have hated him. I wouldn't have acted like he didn't exist in my life. I wouldn't have chosen to stay home when he got hospitalized.

I regret it. I regret having hidden like a coward. I regret making up excuses so I wouldn't see him. I regret not visiting him the day before his death. I regret not listening to Astral's words that day.

 _You should come. If you refuse, you will regret it later._

Astral was right. Who would have thought that was the very last day he would be among the living? Who would have thought that was my last chance of ever saying I was sorry?

Now I've lost that chance. He'll never know I was sorry. He'll never know how much I loved him. He'll never know I forgave him. He'll never know all I wanted was to spend one last day with him.

That made me feel so guilty. So guilty that I just wanted to turn and leave. But Astral's voice kept sounding in my head.

 _ **You**_ _have to face this._

I have to face this. I have to do what I never had the guts to do. I had to stop being a coward. I had to stop trying to escape.

So I looked at the coffin, while tears continued falling from my eyes. He was lying there, as if he was just asleep.

"Eliphas… Please forgive me. I never told you how sorry I was for hating you when you only wanted the best for me. I forgive you for leaving me that night. I regret not ever visiting you in the hospital. I regret not being able to talk to you one last time." I felt more tears coming to my eyes. "I wish I could have told you this when you were alive, but I guess I can just say it now and hope you listen to me whenever you are. I love you, and I thank you for being a good father, even though I was not your real son."

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. I looked up and was met with a pair of scarlet eyes and a sad smile. Yuma was trying to make me feel better.

"I'm really sorry about this. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, but I will always be willing to listen to you whenever you feel the need to. Alright, Astral?" He said, softly, almost apologetically.

I stared at him for a couple of seconds, and eventually nodded. "Thank you, Yuma." I whispered.

Yuma only kept his sad smile. I couldn't hold it anymore. I threw myself over Yuma, something completely uncharacteristic of me, and I hugged him tightly. Yuma seemed surprised at first, but quickly returned my embrace. My whole body trembled on his arms, and I could feel him stroking my back.

 _ **You**_ _have to face this._

It wasn't my own voice anymore. This time, the only voice in my head was Eliphas'. I knew he wanted me to move on, and to do that, I had to face this. He never said it wouldn't hurt, but just that I _had_ to do it.

As I saw the coffin lower, a feeling of relief washed over me. Eliphas had died with a smile, and somehow that smile told me something important.

 _I have forgiven you and I loved you._

It was hard having to face my father's death. Yet I knew I had to face it in order to move on; otherwise, I would have regretted it my whole life. I don't expect the pain to leave anytime soon, but now I could rest assured.

 _I was able to face this._

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 **Ariette: For all of those who are wondering: the character who tells the story is Astral. The "Astral" Astral was referring to is his real self. Here we see the struggle of trying to be strong in front of everyone, but being broken deep inside. The narrator is that 'mask' that shows to everyone, while "Astral" is what he was really feeling inside. At the very end, when it's our turn to face a situation like this, both the 'mask' and the real self become one, finally deciding to face the situation and rise 'victorious'. I hope this explanation helps you understand better the story. Without anything else to say, farewell.**


End file.
